The next five questions on marriage, husband, wives and more.

A few weeks ago, during our first live Q&A in a Sunday morning meeting we had a whole number of questions about marriage, men, women and relationships in general.  Here’s some thoughts on the next five.

6. What do I do when I start to 'fall out of love' with my wife?

You have got love wrong!

The Bible has four words for ‘love’. 

Eros: sexual attraction.  How I feel physically.

Storge: sentimental fondest.  How I feel emotionally.

Philo: family/friendship.  How I feel relationally.

Agape: act of will.  What I choose to do.

Marriage in the Bible is about how Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:32).  Christ loves the church in action (agape) not in how he felt about the church (storge).  He felt wrath and anger and fury and indignation!  That’s how he felt!  But he acted in love and compassion and reconciliation.  He chooses to love even when he feels no love.  ‘While we were still God’s enemies Christ died for us.’ (Romans 5:9)

Marriage models this.  Our culture has made a huge mistake making marriage about how we feel – a sentimental love or sexual attraction that comes and goes, ebbs and flows.  So when I no longer feel in love with him/her then I move on to the next sentimental crush!  That is not the Bible’s vision for love.  God’s vision of marriage love is driven by the choice of our will, our actions not our feelings.

Does that make marriage grey, life-less, dull, emotion free?  No.  All those other forms of love matter.  Husbands and wives should find each other a sexual turn on.  They should enjoy each others’ company as best friends and feel passionately about each other.  But if we make them the engine of our marriage (eros, storge or philo) our marriage will derail.  They make great carriages, pulled along by the engine of our choices, our acts of will to love (agape).  But they are terrible drivers.  Make the engine of marriage our acts of love, and the train of your marriage will have rich and full and wonderful carriages of friendship, sex and feelings safely pulled forward.

7. How should Christian men respond to feminism fighting against them leading families, creating words like ‘mansplaining’ to subtly put down men that talk with confidence?

Peter answers this: Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits.  (1Peter 2:12).  Feminism has done and still does a great thing in correcting some horrendous wrongs in church and culture.  We should celebrate that.  But at any point a cultural commentary pushes us away from the Bible Peter says show God’s way as better not first by your words but by your actions.  Show it works.  So keep being the man the Bible calls you to be and let those actions speak.

I’d add the main voice, outside God’s in the Bible, you should be listening to on this is actually your wife’s anyway, not other women or social opinion.  Hear and do what God says.  Hear and understand what your wife says.  Then get on with being the best husband you can.

8. It says in the Bible God will give us the desires of our heart.  My prayer for years has been for a God-driven strong man but my prayer/desire still hasn’t been answered.  Why not?  Is this an unrealistic prayer?  Should I do more to search or my future husband?

In a profound way that we must all get God has answered your prayer already in Jesus.  Jesus is your perfect husband.  He is the God-driven, strong servant-hearted and lamblike man.  Every single other man ever is a broken reflection of Jesus.  Every single husband ever in all of history is just a temporary, passing, shadowy, reflection of Jesus our true husband.  There is a wedding feast coming and your husband is waiting, eagerly for you.  And after that wedding feast a marriage, glorious, perfect, fulfilling, eternal!  (look at Revelation 19 and 21) Jesus might let you marry a temporary husband here on earth or he might give you the privilege of being free of the cheap imitation even the best human husband is.  That is his choice.  But, as gently and kindly as I can I say look to Jesus.  Any and all prayers and desires for a partner (or a better partner) are meet in Jesus.  We have got to get that.

Having said all that.  Can you be proactive looking for a husband – yes!  Is it an unrealistic prayer?  No!  Praying for your husband (whether you have one or not) can only be a good thing.  Just don’t think a husband is a saviour or satisfier or sustainer!  Don’t think he’ll complete you (he won’t and can’t) or make your life perfect.  He will never be able to deliver on that because that burden is one only Jesus can deliver.  Make Jesus your husband and then trust him with whether a husband is part of your future or not.

9.  As a church do you accept divorce?

‘I hate divorce’ says God in Malachi (Malachi 2:16).  And don’t we all?  We hate the pain and disruption and the reasons and the guilt and the effects on children.  We entirely agree with God here – we hate it.  We, as a church, want to a place for everyone to find restoration, healing, health and safety.

Divorce exists in the Bible because sometimes, as a protective over God’s vision for marriage and for those in the marriage, when such a disintegration has occurred that that marriage no longer can display God then divorce protects marriage and the people in that marriage.

So the Bible does recognise, at times, for specific reasons, after robust attempts to reconcile, divorce is a final, protective shield.

But generally we don’t now live in a culture that encourages people to stay in marriages they should leave.  Generally now we live in a culture than encourages people to leave marriages they should work on.  That’s the difficult balance and we need to constantly asked God to give us wisdom and love when it comes to these very difficult situations.  And we need to constantly remind ourselves we are talking about real people and real pains.

10.  I am a new Christian and my partner doesn’t believe, though is happy for me to come to church.  What would you advise – how can I convince him to become a Christian too?  I saw the couple baptise each other last week and I’d love for my partner and me to baptise each other too.

This is a fantastic wish!  Well done.  What a dream and desire.  I hope you are asking God to do that, because that is a vital thing.  But then Peter helps us too.  He says that husbands who aren’t yet believing ‘might be won over without words’ from their wives because of the amazingly change they see in their wives (1 Peter 3:1-6).  He doesn’t mean you never speak about Jesus – of course you do.  But you don’t nag, or go on endlessly in an irritating way.  What you do to is allow Jesus to change you into a better wife!  That will speak loads to your husband of the reality of Jesus.  And perhaps what could help you there is meeting up with some other Christian ladies and working together on each other’s lives?