Wives should submit to their husbands in everything - really?

Wives should submit to their husbands in everything – really?

There are certain parts of the Bible that has been distorted, corrupted, misunderstood, mocked and ignored to a remarkable extent – both in and outside the church.  Here’s one such part. 

“…wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”  (Ephesians 5:24)

Angry, hurt & confused

Most of us have at least part of it wrong.  Some of us, most of it!  Those errors are why many feel justly angry (at the abuse it has been used to justify), deeply hurt (at the restrictions it has been used to enforce) or genuinely confused (at the muddle it has been used to create).  It’s an understandable reaction.  I tackled it in this talk: http://www.beaconinternationalcentre.org/spirit-filled-wives-ephesians-518-22-alex-harris-05-10-14/

Liberating, voluntary & joyful

The hugely clarifying context is that the sentence starts “As the church submits to Christ so wives…”  So we need to ask ‘how does the church submit to Christ (and how does it not)’, if we are to have any true grasp of what this looks like in marriage.  And why, when understood rightly, it is a good thing.

Here’s some extra thoughts that did not make the cut for the talk but I have found to be helpful.   They are applications so you will need to engage with the talk to see their root in the Bible text itself.

True submission is never only but always all.

True submission is not unique to a wife’s role, though that role has its particular characteristics.  Rather it is the call on all Christians to ‘submit to one another’ in imitation and reverence of Jesus across all their relationships (5:21). 

True submission is never in your strengths but the Spirit’s enabling.

Obedience to ‘be filled with the Spirit’ (5:18) is the only root to revel in true submission for all of us.  In our own strength it will be flawed.

True submission is never forced but free.

True submission is never something that is demanded or abused.  It is not a right to be claimed from a loveless, destructive, lazy or feeble man.  Rather it is a precious gift that a wife, confident and trusting of her husband’s proven love-record, may choose to offer to him freely. (5:25-29)

True submission is never foolish but thoughtful.

True submission should not be the lazy option of a woman wanting an easy life, or who is seeking a way to hide from her responsibilities.  It takes careful, considered thought and dialogue.  It is far more sophisticated than perceived gender stereotypes, who the breadwinner happens to be, the allocation of domestic chores or the mimicking of an inherited family construct.  Our embedded cultural norms, personality types, gifts sets and stage of life all make this a dynamic and evolving relationship.  In fact, true submission requires infinitely more wisdom to navigate life well in interdependence, than seeking or living independently as a couple.

True submission is never fickle but intentional.

True submission is never given flippantly but rather within the context of a stable, strong and firm relationship.

True submission is never frustrating but liberating.

True submission does not limit options or opportunities but rather, within the environment of a loving relationship, should energise and release with new responsibilities and wider opportunities.

True submission should not be refused but offered.

Of course if what he says is wrong then your refusal is right.  But to a loving husband; striving to fulfil his service and sacrifice to you true submission can and should be offered.  Offered confidently.  Offered out of reverence to Christ (5:21).  Offered inclusive of all parts of their lives - 'everything' (5:24)

True submission is from respect not fright.

Wives are called to submit only to a husband they can ‘respect’ because of the other-prioritising love he shows (5:33).  If you cannot respect a husband like this then you are not to submit to him. 

True submission is about showing God.

Jesus is the prime example of true submission in how he submits to the Father.  Wives are called to show what Jesus is like.  True, liberating, joyful, voluntary, considered submission is how the church responds to Jesus.  Wives are called to show that.  Marriage ‘is a profound mystery but I am talking about Christ and the church’. (5:32)

Listen back to the talk that seeks to delve into the richest of the Bible’s wisdom to see where these applications come from.